Insecure

Have you ever stopped to think about how much of your life has been dictated by what you’re afraid people might think? How many experiences have you missed for fear of looking foolish? Or the other way around, when was the last time you did something you really didn’t want to do out of foolish pride?

When it comes down to it we spend a lot of time focusing on what other people are thinking. It dictates our behavior, how we dress, who we talk to, what we do and more importantly how much we open ourselves up to people and experiences.

Through our insecurities we turn the simplest things into huge dramas. Going to the bathroom for example. We all do it, the secret is out, but needing to go in a social situation is a cause of extreme stress for some. It’s ridiculous how embarrassed we feel asking someone where the restroom is, as if the world will shun us for needing to pee.

Often the anxiety we feel is so great that it affects the judgment of an otherwise logical person causing them to make poor decisions. I remember one such incident in my life.

I was at a party at someones house a few years ago and I really had to go. I was standing with a group of people and wasn’t about to announce I had to go to the bathroom so I casually mentioned I was going to get another drink.  I worked my way through the crowd and positioned myself so I could see the bathroom but still not look like that’s where I was headed. It was vacant so I walked over and admired a painting on the wall near the door for a moment. Once I felt that no one was looking I slipped through the door  and locked it. I was home free. Good thing to because I was at maximum capacity and the storage tanks were about to blow.

I dropped my pants and took a seat and that’s when I saw the empty roll. There was no toilet paper, a serious dilemma. I hadn’t done anything yet so I was still good. I checked under the sink for spare rolls – none. If I go to ask for TP I might as well print a newsletter and pass it around so people know what I’m doing. Holding it long enough to leave the party and go somewhere eles was no longer an option.

I look around for a magazine or newspaper to tear a page out of with no luck. However I did find some disinfectant cleaning wipes. Desperate times call for desperate measures so I do my business and ripped off a lemony fresh sheet. It was cool at first, refreshing even, but just as I was considering changing my toilet paper brand my backside caught fire.

I jumped up onto the sink and jammed my naked ass underneath the running faucet as fast as I could and frantically start splashing cold water on my chemical burns. At that moment the door opens – as it turns out, the lock was broken. So there I am with my pants around my ankles, legs dangling over the edge of the sink splash water on my ass staring back at one very shocked party host.

I don’t really know what the proper thing is to say when you’re caught using someones sink as a poor mans bidet but I can tell you this, “you’re out of toilet paper” is not it.

To this day the event still haunts me, all because I was afraid of what people would think if they knew I was going to perform a common everyday biological function in a room that is specifically designed for that purpose. But this was only one incident, some people take it so far that they spend their lives lying to everyone about who they are. They feel they have to create a “bigger than life” persona to be accepted, and as a result they end up being very alone because they can’t let anyone get close enough that they might discover the truth.

Even with those closest to us it’s a problem, often even more so than with strangers. You can’t pursue your dream of being an artist because your family will think badly of you. You can’t ask your spouse to do something new in bed for fear they will view you as a freak. But whether it is living a lie or missing out on a new experience out of fear of judgment it’s ridiculous the merit we put on others opinion. Even more so when you realize that nobody is even paying attention to what you’re doing because they are to preoccupied wondering what you’re thinking about them.

I am making a stand right here and now. I am going to spend the rest of my life doing what I want and not worrying about what people are thinking of me. What do you think of that?