Hands On Holiday

May is National Masturbation Month. As if I needed a reason, but I guess you could say that the last 11 months were intense training.

National Masturbation Month was started in 1995 by a company called Good Vibrations (can you guess what they sell?). But it was no arbitrary holiday started to legitimize twitchy handed self pleasuring or to get huge kick backs from tennis elbow cream manufacturers. No no, NBM was started as a protest to the firing of Surgeon General, Dr. Minnie Joycelyn Elders.

This is what happened. Governor Bill Clinton appointed Elders Director of the Arkansas Department of Health in 1987 where she made huge strides with children’s health issues. She did such a good job, when Clinton was elected President in 1993 he made Elders Surgeon General of the United States. However in 1994 speaking at the United Nations Conference on AIDS, Elders made a statement in regards to promoting masturbation as an alternative to kids getting together and doing the awkward tango; “I think that it is part of human sexuality, and perhaps it should be taught.”

Apparently this was the last straw for the now notoriously “sexually conservative” Clinton administration, because Elders got fired. The White House chief of staff commented on the subject saying, “There have been too many areas where the President does not agree with her views. This is just one too many.” Hmm, perhaps if she’d promoted oral sex!

In protest, National Masturbation Month was born and in 2000 the same group came up with Masturbate-a-thon, where you can do the hand-solo for a good cause or sponsor a mastur-lete. Held in San Francisco, many world records have been set during the Masturbate-a-thon, such as longest solo  session (6 hours 30 minutes) and most consecutive orgasms (49). This year they are looking for competitors to really cum the distance with the equivalent of a spunktory shot-put.

Public spectacle aside, masturbation is maybe the original guilty pleasure. One of those things most people do and everyone denies. Depending on what side of the lotion you stand, taking your sex life into your own hands either causes arthritis, poor vision and acne, or it relieves stress, promotes prostate health and keeps you from making bad decisions regarding masculine looking prostitutes.

Many studies have shown that men who play by themselves can last longer when they play with others. And women who privatize their portfolios get faster and often multiple returns from their mutual investments. (Yeah that’s right, I brought masturbation euphemisms into the financial sector)

To be more honest than you probably care for, some of the best sex I’ve had has been with myself. And despite common perceptions of its solo nature, masturbation is often better with a friend or six.

So you got all May to celebrate! If you already do it, double up! If you’re just starting, get some aspercreme and ace bandages for your elbow, call in for some vacation days and really get to know thy-self.